My Writings. My Thoughts.
On the bus and how I’m gay
// May 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // On The Commute Today
Damn, on the bus this dude sitting in front of me started fanning the fart he obviously laid and peeps were looking at each other like WTF? So I said, “Burped in the back of your boxers, huh?” He didn’t understand what I was implying and said that I was gay for mentioning his boxers… Hahaha!
So I told him I’m as gay as much as his gas smells like roses, as much as his dating life is successful, and as much as he wipes his ass. And then he still accused me of being gay because I mentioned his ass. Hahaha!
I’d like to think that if I played for the other team I’d have higher standards. Anyway, he just moved to the back of the bus staring me down… I’ll assume he just didn’t want to turn around and expose his ass in case I felt the urge to attack it.
Hahaha!
Hammer isn’t the only thing that starts with H that Thor knows about
// March 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // Random Stuff From The Interwebs
I was on Twitter (follow me @dv140) and saw a tweet by one of my favorite filmmakers, Kevin Smith. It’s not only hilarious, but educational as well. And it’s smart to use Marvel Comics’ Thor as the “star” here, in order to appeal to the children.
How I feel about Corey Haim’s death and it ain’t good
// March 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // DVs Observations
First off, death always sucks unless a person is suffering ridiculous pain from sickness or physical wounds. Or is an asshole. I don’t think anyone will care if an asshole dies except the most zealous of anal practicioners, and even then, love is dirty and fleeting.
Second, I am definitely an 80s kid – Breakfast Club, rubber bracelets, Alyssa Milano, breakdancing, A-Team, Hanna Barbera cartoons, and Seka were just some of the things all up in the motherfucker known as my adolescence. That said, I was an involuntary witness to the Two Coreys phenomenon – Corey Feldman and Corey Haim running rampant in Hollywood and in little girls’ hearts.
And it was annoying as shit.
My loony bun is fine Benny Lava
// March 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Vids That Will Make Your LOL
Below is an old video on YouTube and considering the amount of views (16,126,498 and counting), this has to be considered a classic. My Talk Stupid partner, Erik, first showed this video to me a couple of years ago. I had totally forgotten about it somehow, but was re-introduced to it again by Erik last night. I honestly could not breath after watching it again.
You will check it out and put your favorite lyrics in the comments section.
On The Commute Today: Shooting Blanks
// March 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // On The Commute Today
Ah, Mondays. I love them! However, I only say that to convince myself that it really isn’t the worst day of the week like I learned growing up in the 80s thanks to the Bangles. And, yes, I walked like an Egyptian too, but I did it mummy style with my arms outstretched ready to grab a titty that happened to come in my path. I was a horny adolescent at the time… don’t judge me.
Anyway, I was going to write about my brother and his gay odyssey to Florida this past weekend, but as always, something came up on my commute home.
If you’re friends with me on Facebook, then you’ll know I always have some story going on when I ride NYC’s lovely transportation system. Today was one of those days when people should have just shut the fuck up or at least thought before they said something that would have still made me think that they should have shut the fuck up.
So, I get to the train platform for the 6 line at Grand Central and it was unusually crowded. The first train comes and I have as much chance to get in from where I was standing by the steps as much as I have a shot of impregnating Jessica Alba – I’m infertile, you see, so it’s not because she wouldn’t have relations with me… I’m awesome. Okay, fine, I’m not infertile, but fat and ugly, which I hear are traits that hot chicks don’t dig for some reason.
We are writing a movie
// March 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // The Movie Script
So, Erik and I are writing a movie. An activity that has incorporated a lot of NOT writing anything as of late. Boy, do we suck! Honestly, there are some valid reasons as to why this stasis has happened.
I’ve been doing a lot of sports writing lately, which includes work at Fanway.com, and it’s something I thought I left behind some time ago and wouldn’t come back to. Guess not. In any case, I’ve also been studying the effects of Cookie Dough Pop Tarts on one’s ass and apparently, it creates craters. Par. Tay. As far as Erik’s reasons, well, let’s just say he’s Mexican and it’s about 2pm all day for him.
My hope for telling all of you that Erik and I are writing a movie is that it holds us accountable. If you leave comments or call our toll-free number or see us on the street, please feel free to fondle our genitals if you’re a female, and ask us, “How’s the movie script coming, fucker?!?!” Yes, I think if we hear that question enough times, it will be the impetus for us to finish our script. If anything, so that we can reply, “Just like shooting in your mom’s face, it’s done!”
In all seriousness, Erik and I need to treat the script like it’s NOT a podcast. If you’ve been around here long enough, you’ll know that we never seem to do them and that can’t happen with our movie. There are a few reasons why:
1) The movie idea is hilarious, objectively speaking of course
2) From what we understand, we’ll become multi-millionaires and ridiculously famous enough that when we enter rooms, we’ll actually make the puss sweat instantly
3) We’re guaranteed Oscar winners and therefore will add a title to our names – “The long-penised Academy Award winning…”
I really can’t think of better reasons to finish writing this script… and of course I’m talking about the long-peen part.
Reason #183 Why It Sucks To Be Fat: Stealth Bombs
// March 4th, 2010 // No Comments » // Reasons Why It Sucks To Be Fat
I admit to not feeling fresh and so clean clean at the end of the day, but I actually do know when air travels up and out the back of my boxers. Yes, despite the bundle of fat that most people call their lower back, I’m still sensitive enough to feel air there.
In any case, I’m on my way home, packed in a bus like the front of Ron Jeremy’s underwear. I was sitting innocently writing the previous post on here when a rancid odor filled the air around me. It was so bad I actually made a face and immediately thought:
Damn, these people around me probably think I dropped that bomb!
Paranoid? Nope. I just know how people think… for things of this nostril hair burning nature, we all blame the fat guy. That would be me.
Let’s be honest. We never think the skinny dude, athletic person, or hot chick ever farts. Never. Why is that? Well, there are a few reasons, such as they don’t eat much, they never chow down on bad food, or make their own artificial butt plugs by clenching their ass cheeks hard. For the latter group, it must be said that their shits are the most foul smelling and akin to dead moose assholes stacked ceiling high in a room.
Anyway, the point being, society sees fat people as slobs. Smelly slobs. Smelly slobs that get blamed for bombs more than terrorists. And, judging from the guy sitting next to me subtly sniffing and looking at me in one motion, I’m pretty sure he just fitted me for a turban.
But, I implore you, the next time flatulence happens to be in the air of the crowded bus you’re on, do not quickly pass judgement and blame the fat guy.
It’s very possible someone didn’t clench a cheek fast enough.
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