Movie Review: Seven Pounds
// January 2nd, 2009 // Movie Review
Figure Caption
Rosario: “I’m doing this to be in a Will Smith movie.”
Fresh Prince: “I’m doing this shitty film for the money.”
OMFG… WTF… DSTCM; Translation – Oh my god… what the fuck… don’t see this crappy movie. No, seriously, don’t see it because it’s really one huge commercial for you to sign your driver’s license to become an organ donor. Seriously.
SPOILER ALERT! I don’t give a shit about writing a straight-up review that doesn’t give anything away. So, either turn off your computer, go to the window browsere that has midget amputee porn at the ready (am I the only one into that?), and whatever you do, don’t think of pink elephants! Ha, got you with that old trick didn’t I?!?!?! I did… and Will Smith’s character dies at the end.
I did warn you.
But, honestly, you know he will die 10 seconds into the movie when the following dialogue happens:
Hancock: My boyfriend Jazzy Jeff broke up with me.
911 Operator: It’s okay, there’s always Alfonso Ribeiro.
Legend: Yes, but, I need something else in my life.
911 Operator: Ever try getting an Abraham Lincoln?
Hitch: What’s that?
911 Operator: Nevermind…
Bagger Vance: Anyway… I’d like to report a suicide.
911 Operator: Who’s?
Agent J: Mine.
(911 Operator uncontrollably laughs offscreen)
This period of two hours of my life that I will never get back was recommended to me by my brother, Elliot, whom some of you may know if you listen to the podcast (you better listen or I will put a curse upon your pubis), he used to be a co-host on the show. But then he was kicked off for hogging all the spotlight from me being unfunny, but MAN, did he play a trick on me this time! I mean, it’s a cruel joke to recommend this movie to somehow and no matter how much Elliot tells me he loved this movie, I’m calling bullshit!
When I first saw the trailer for “Seven Pounds,” I had no idea what this movie was about, which was a nice change of pace because usually trailers show you the whole movie. So, I thought, maybe I’ll actually check this flick out now just to find out… and Elliot’s fucked up joke sealed my fate. I saw this depressing piece of work that got REAL predictable REAL fast, but because of the aforementioned joke, I kept watching waiting for some sort of payoff. But, nothing. Will Smith dies, committing suicide in order to give good people that needed organs for better lives by offering his own.
And he dies from a fuckin’ jellyfish!!! A JELLYFISH!!! I thought only Ellen Degeneres was susceptible to the harm which jellyfish are known for! Yes, folks, that’s sarcasm. Not about Smith dying from a jellyfish, but shit do I wish I was fuckin’ around with that.
In any case, the movie sucks MAJOR BALLS and if anyone sees this movie after reading this review, you should suck balls too. Seriously, all I want to hear on the news about this movie is that there is a rush of porn stars seeing it. And, how the FUCK was this a holiday movie? Oh, right, the whole giving thing… Well, I’m sorry, if I give a gift, it’s not going to happen with me dying first. Sorry.
1.0 pound out of 7.0. pounds
2 Responses to “Movie Review: Seven Pounds”
Leave a Reply
Connect With Us
I will definitely not waste a second of my life on this piece of garbage. However, from reading this review, I’m feeling guilty about checking off all the organs on the back of my grandma’s driver’s licence over a decade ago and then she died within a year and not from sickness.
The morale of this comment is, DON’T SAY YOU’LL DONATE YOUR ORGANS UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE REAL FAST!
Now back to the movie, was Will Smith trying to be black Jesus by offing himself? “Merry Christmas I’m dying so you can have my heart, eyeballs and kidneys”.
Lol, the whole movie could have been saved if they showed his organs not being a match and useless to the intended.
[...] like it was all going according to plan — then came the critical and commercial disaster of Seven Pounds. Either the cool offers dried up, he decided he hated the interesting movies or Smith’s home [...]