Talk Stupid

Top Roles Before They Were “Lost”

// February 27th, 2009 // DVs Observations

The television show “Lost” is one big heaping mess of beetle dung right now (okay, more than it usually is) as they move through the current time jumping storyline, which has a lot of people feeling like their brains just had relations and woke up with nothing but cab fare on the dresser. However, if you’re a fan of the show, you know there’s going to be a big payoff that explains it all, or at least most of it… and if not, we’re all going to cut off Abrams, Cuse, and Lindelof’s testicles off. In any case, relative to all the time skipping, I thought I would look back and note some of the top cinematic “achievements” of “Lost” actors.

I’ll probably do this from time to time, but, more importantly don’t forget to check out “The Lost Cause” to get my thoughts, as well as RIZ’s on the show we all know and love. But enough whoring and on with this post.

Michael Emerson (Benjamin Linus) – Zep Hindle in “Saw”

Before becoming the island’s resident puppet master, Emerson played pawn for a puppet bent on fucking with people’s heads (sound familiar?). In this pioneering movie (the subsequent “Saw” movies sucked as most sequels do besides “The Empire Strikes Back” and “Superman II,” but that’s another post) that made gore cool in the 2000s, Emerson’s character seemed to be the mastermind behind the torment of Buttercup’s love, Westley, but like every “Lost” storyline, the twist was that he wasn’t. Instead, the dead guy in the room was. Oh yeah, forgot to say, SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! Don’t read this if you’ve never seen this movie. Huh? Too late? I blame that flash of light for this.

Josh Holloway (James “Sawyer” Ford) – Purse snatcher in Aerosmith’s “Cryin’” video

In an act of choosing roles that would make Keanu Reeves and Vince Vaughn proud, Holloway’s role in this classic video starring Cher Horowitz, foreshadowed the diversity in roles Holloway would choose throughout his career. Holloway plays a charming man that sends out his mack daddy pheromones towards a woman and then later steals from her. Yes, folks, that’s versatility in acting. In any case, in the end, Alicia Silverstone PWNS Holloway with a swift kick to the face. When you consider Kate’s ability to whoop ass, it’s safe to say that Holloway loves to play the role of “pussy.”

Terry O’Quinn (John Locke) – Goldberg, Mitch Martin’s boss in “Old School”

O’Quinn played Luke Wilson’s boss in this movie that has a personal hero of mine – Frank the Tank. However, it’s not about Frank, it’s about O’Quinn. O’Quinn and the fact that he played Elisha Cuthbert’s dad. O’Quinn and the fact that he probably masturbated in his trailer remembering the scent of Cuthbert, the feel of Cuthbert, and the fact that she called him “daddy.” HOLY SHIT! Just realized something… I’m a degenerate.

Keeping in the spirit of the above film…

Jorge Garcia (Hugo “Hurley” Reyes) – Jorge in “Old School”

In a “stretching” of roles and I say that sarcastically in the way I’d say, “Carrot Top sure is one good looking fella,” Garcia plays a fat guy. And while I’m sure Garcia got a chubby while passing by Cuthbert at the Craft Services table, he did not have any scenes with her… and to answer that question in your mind, yes, I am saying Garcia got a chubby from being near the Craft Services table and not from Cuthbert.

Naveen Andrews (Sayid Jarrah) – Raj Singh in “Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love”

Andrews is a straight up pimp. In “Lost” he gets to take it back from the white man, specifically those that take away exotic looking women, by wooing and straight banging the paleskin Shannon before Ana-Lucia shoots her. Have no doubt that Michelle Rodriguez has bigger balls and more testosterone than you, but she can’t come close to the testosterone swirling in Andrews’ balls in this role in “Kama Sutra”. Andrews plays a prince that has his way with two women that happen to be friends. I guess if you think about it, it’s really a classier version of college life set in India.

Okay, folks, another version of “The Lost Cause” will go up tomorrow once again, instead of our usual Friday morning post time. My apologies, but I have a fuckin’ life and don’t cater to you losers. Kidding! Sorta.