Talk Stupid

Movie Review – Fanboys

// February 7th, 2009 // Movie Review

Here is all you need to know about “Fanboys” – it opened on the wrong weekend. At least in the eight lucky cities around the U.S. First, also coming out this weekend, the much ballyhooed movie amongst the vagina-centric crowd, especially the single variety, “He’s Just Not That Into You (Unless You’re An STD-Free Slut Because Then He’ll Really Be Into You As Much As His Penis Can)”. So, basically, everyone will be seeing that movie – chicks, pussy-whipped dudes, and the gays. Luckily, my wife is cool and actually wanted to see “Fanboys” with, oh about, six other people. No, not friends of ours, six other people in the theater with us!!! I will not be surprised if this movie does not make much dinero at all, but mostly because it only opened in eight lucky cities.

I’ll get to the second reason as to why “Fanboys” opened on the wrong weekend in a minute. But right now…

… an actual review of the flick. Going in, you know what you’re going to get – the usual “nerd trying to rise above his current status and on his journey there is the promise of boobage (possibly even beaverage) and loads of shits and giggles along the way.” However, this typical theme for these types of movies holds some more weight here because we are talking about “Star Wars” here, the ultimate in the kingdom of nerd, of which I am a citizen. So, FUCK Star Trek and The Lord of the Rings trilogy!!! Actually, I am a LOTR sympathizer (even if it is Hobbit-gay), so just FUCK Star Trek! And, wouldn’t you know, that sentiment is also expressed in this movie. Nice. But honestly, this is an homage to the fanboy and friends.

There are a ton of cameos here that are VERY cool, but also possibly very “inside” for the geek crowd. Regardless, the movie is still enjoyable for the uninitiated. If anything, people will get to see Seth Rogen and a lot of the Judd Apatow crew here, so with the success of his movies, actors will be recognizable. And, of course, one of the fattest, err, biggest fanboys out there, Kevin Smith, is in this. His scene might make you throw up.

The movie takes place in Ohio six months before “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” is released with four friends who, for different reasons, are determined to break into George Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch in California and see the film before anyone else in the general population does. On the way, there are obvious obstacles and some surprises. However, the four friends reach their destination, but will they get to see the movie? Obviously, I won’t give away the ending… THEY ALL DIE BY EWOK THROWN ROCKS… but there are some memorable lines and situations that made me laugh audibly… for the computer geek crowd – LOL.

Now, the second reason as to why “Fanboys” opened on the wrong weekend – high school nerds traveling in groups will see this movie. Actually, not necessarily just high school nerds at all, but I’ll use them as an example. So, these chronic masturbators to Hentai, will see “Fanboys.” Girls from these nerds’ high school, as well as the normal and “cool” guys from the same high school will go see “He’s Just Not That Into You”. The girls because this is an obvious “chick flick” and the guys because they want to play it sensitive to the aforementioned girls because of the obvious “dick stick” reason or in other words, attempting to get laid.

In any case, when these groups collide – nerds vs. chicks/dickstickers – who wins? Not the nerds. Why? Well, first, the nerds foray out of the comfort of their houses in front of their computer screens to the outside world. Second, even though the nerds go out as a group, they wouldn’t be able to defend themselves from a pack of abnormally strong, one arm clutched to their chest, drooling tards with wooden legs. And, finally, they are in a social situation, a world more out there than anything Lucas could have ever dreamed up.

So, when the nerds see these girls, of which we can assume they all secretly rub their junk to, outside of a school setting, a few things will happen:

1) All the blood will rush down from their head down to their penis causing the nerd(s) to faint
2) They walk into that cardboard cutout of “Monsters vs. Aliens”
3) Think one of the girls likes them because she said “hi” to them, which was really a dare from her friends that the girl in question makes good on

So, as you can see above, the nerd will lose every time. However, it’s okay… there is a saving grace here.

And that is Kristen Bell, the object of affection for many geeks because of her roles on “Veronica Mars”, “Heroes”, and “Pootie Tang” (oh, wait, this only applies to semi-cool black nerds). She plays the chick that acts like a guy, which is cool, but forgotten when she dons the Leia slave outfit (posted again and closer above for your eyes’ pleasure). What nerd hasn’t thought about that outfit with some chick in it?

3.0 out of 5.0 star wars for regular people
4.5 out of 5.0 star wars for nerds

Also, help get this movie released to the general public and just eight lucky cities!!! Go here to find out how, suckas!