Here’s a quick nugget for all of you robbers out there, not that I’m an expert, but I have enough common sense to follow the following rules:
1) Leave the Pop Tarts alone
2) Do not start shucking and jiving, talking about wanting to be a hip hop star to a police officer… there are stereotypes… and they are irresistible to not act upon
3) Most importantly, if you see a police officer, avoid him/her at all costs
So, according to WESH.com, Orlando’s NBC affiliate, two burglars didn’t heed the abovementioned advice. Of course, I didn’t give said advice until just now, but surely common sense would have had this advice for them. Apparently not because they got caught.
Frankly, if you’re going to do what these guys did, you deserve to get caught. Am I right? Thought so.
This is one crazy ass video, which you’ll see after reading my wonderful words of wisdom. In any case, if you have large breasts like I do, as I am a fat ass that has actually Googled the term, “manzier,” then you’ll know the pain of sleeping on your side and that uncomfortable feeling of having a huge slab of flesh succumbing to gravity.
Now there’s Kush! Yes, folks, you can put this phallic looking device in your cleavage and fall into a restful and peaceful sleep knowing that your breasts are being violated by a penis and participating in what most scholars and the intelligentsia term, “titty effing (snicker, snicker, giggle, giggle)”. And, yes, the “snicker, snicker, giggle, giggle” is part of the term as nothing makes smart people do that like the words titty effing. You should see what happens when you say, “ball cupping”… they go into HYSTERICS!
Anyway, if Billy Mays were alive, he would have had this product flying off the shelves and into everyone’s home all over the world! Well, except in Asia.
I was a huge fan of Michael Jackson from way back in the day when he was into doing legal things and not giving kids “Jesus Juice” or having sleepovers with them on the regular. Part of me wants to think he didn’t do anything with them and was just that fucked in the head that he thought it was perfectly fine for an adult to play camp with a kid that isn’t yours. But, whatever, I’m not the one to judge the dude, BUT I did wish he didn’t fall off.
You see, I didn’t stop being a Michael Jackson fan because of the kid touching. I stopped, well, relatively anyway considering I had my room plastered with his pictures and posters, because the music started to suck and Jackson the freak show took over his image. That all I said, I’ll pay my respects to him now that he’s somewhere.
And I’ll remember fondly how by dancing like him in the Billy Jean video with my band jacket and my mom’s blu-blocker type sunglasses I got girls from the neighborhood to come into my house to check me out dancing. No joke. The only real problem was that while these girls were hot and older than me, I was only 11 years old. I HAD NO CLUE ABOUT GIRLS! So, it’s not like I parlayed my ability to thrust my pelvis into any play. Oh well.
But as time went by with “Thriller” going into “Bad” into “Dangerous” into “HIStory,” I just wasn’t into MJ anymore. I mean, a lot had changed as well… my pelvic ability to jab the air rhythmically was still getting attention and I finally knew what to do with girls! Waste my money for nothing! Hahaha… yes, call me jaded. Anyway, that’s also about the time when MJ was just getting too freaky because he was turning white, his face was noticeably shifting, and he was spawning. Sigh. Anyway, because of the Michael Jackson when he was obviously a little more black, I will give him props and pray that he is finally at peace.
Have you ever tried something on that you thought you could fit in, but soon after putting it on, it’s way too tight for you? Sure, you have… this is a fast food world we live in, except in some parts of Africa and Asia and I don’t apologize for bring it up since these parts also don’t have any working electricity.
Anyway, what do you do when that happens? The sensible thing, right? You take the clothes off cursing yourself for being such a fatass that loves Twinkies at 2:00 AM. Thanks to the good people at Uncoached, we see some men that don’t understand the concept of changing from tight clothing.
I know that a lot of you get SPAM in your inbox and I don’t mean the meat, unless by “inbox” you think I’m talking about your mouth, which would speak volumes about your economic class. And, yes, I like mine with eggs. Anyway…
I’ve been getting some SPAM that I wish I could answer back, but if I did, it would just confirm that my e-mail address is a working one and I’d probably get TONS more SPAM than I already do. So, what do I do? I’ll answer them here on Talk Stupid.
From: Me Subject: Last Elvis video My Reply Would Be: Dear Me, I had no idea I/you was/were around when Elvis died on the crapper. What an epiphany! Amazing.
From: Rose Subject: are my boobs lopsided? My Reply Would Be: Dear Rose, yes, your boobs are SEVERELY lopsided. Seriously, you can probably make a lot of money as a carnie being the main attraction, “Lopsided Tits”. Other than that, and your Billy Dee Williams thick mustache, you are HOT!
From: Ellen Subject: am I ugly? My Reply Would Be: Not to Stevie Wonder… unless he did that touching you with his hands thing on your face. Anyway, heed the same advice above and join a carnival.
From: Dr. Jones Subject: Would you like to add 5″-7″ to your cock My Reply Would Be: WHO WOULDN’T?!?!?! I’d then have 6″-8″!!! WOO HOO!!!
From: Marcelo Subject: Hello My Reply Would Be: What’s good, homeboy? Would you like to add 5″-7″ to your cock?
If you didn’t know, my Talk Stupid partner, Erik, is a pretty big geek/nerd/tech enthusiast/animal hole puncher. So, I’m pretty sure every Halloween and every third Thursday of the month, him and his crew of “Revenge of the Nerds” dopplegangers dress up like robots for shits and giggles. Is there any evidence of this? Of course not! They are pretty sly about the whole thing, especially because they are already publicly outed for playing that Magic card game during their breaks from working with computer code and browsing the net on such no-no sites like pcmag.com, wired.com, and backtothefuturefansunite.com. Anyway, check out The Chive’s gallery of robot wannabes.
Oh, personally, and I hope I’m not giving away his secret identity to the world of crime, but I think Erik is Mashertron.
Hat tip to Warming Glow for the clip, which is from the 1980s PBS show “Many Voices, Many Visions”. After you watch the clip, you’ll see there was only one voice – at the very least stereotyping if not racism – and one vision – from behind a white hooded mask. I can’t believe they actually had this on public television. Wow… just wow.
This is a comedy blog... we are joking here. We might say things that are racist, sexist, and every other "-ist" that is not cool in this politically correct world. But, we honestly do not hate anyone... except those that cannot take a joke and/or actually take us (US!) seriously. You people can fuck off. We don't want you here... we're being stupidists.
