Talk Stupid

Some More Crap About Me

// August 3rd, 2009 // DVs Observations

Well, the latest Facebook survey is making the rounds and I’m going to participate? Why? Because I can use it as content on the comedy blog I write for – TalkStupid.com. Oh yeah… killing two birds with one stone. I’m an efficient mofo.

1. What time did you get up this morning? I don’t know, but I know I should be working.

2. How do you like your steak? Free. And with potatoes.

3. What was the last movie you saw? Don’t know the name of it, but it was short. Only 20 seconds long. Rated X by the way.

4. What is your favorite TV show? True Blood, Lost, and all of the manly shows on Oxygen.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Hawaii. You can get a ton of lays there. Wait, am I getting that wrong?

6. What did you have for breakfast? A protein bar and water. I’m trying to lose weight for the beauty pageant.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Everything. I’m no racist.

8. What foods do you dislike? You are asking the wrong man.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? In a chair. Preferably with a cushioned back.

10. Favorite dressing? Not into fashion.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? The one that operates on gasoline. I think people call it a hoop ride.

12. What are your favorite clothes? Not into fashion.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? The past, so that I could apologize to Mother Teresa for smacking her bare ass… we were at a swimming pool.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? I would probably check whose cup it is… if someone else’s I don’t give a fuck… if it’s mine, I’ll finish it. Unless it’s flat and warm soda.

15. Where would you want to retire? Heaven. The other place is kind of hot and I sweat easily.

16. Favorite time of day? 3:24 AM because I’m usually sleeping.

17. Where were you born? Not sure of the exact proximity, but somewhere near my mom’s area “down there”.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? People trying to hold in their flatulence. I’ve won so many of those contests.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Alfred Hitchcock because he’s dead.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Not into fashion.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Don’t really give a fuck.

22. Bird watcher? I’m not that sensitive and/or into Nature that much.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Why is Facebook trying to classify people? That’s like America back in the 60s with this black and white person thing. I’M A PERSON!!!

24. Do you have any pets? Do testicles count? If not, four… two cats and my testicles. Hey, this is MY survey, I can do what I want!

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? I just classified my nuts as pets.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A profitable pimp without any venereal diseases.

27. What is your best childhood memory? Making money from my hoes, but unfortunately then losing it to my cocaine habit, which is why I said “profitable” above. Man, life was hard as a six-year-old.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Can I say testicles? They have a full head of hair like an African lion.

29. Are you married? Yup. Unfortunately, not to Megan Fox and her toe thumbs.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Of course… otherwise the seatbelt ferry won’t leave you money under your ass when you wake up.

31. Been in a car accident? Yup… fuckin’ gypsy cab motherfucker in Jackson Heights!

32. Any pet peeves? Nope, just two cats and my testicles.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Yeah, what about them?

34. Favorite Flower? I’m a man’s man!!! So, dandelions… because it has the word “lions” in it and that’s pretty bad ass. Did I mention my testicles have hair like an African lion?

35. Favorite ice cream? The one that doesn’t make you fat… in other words, I hate them all.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? My parents’ place… “Hey, how are you guys? Got food? Cool. Okay, see you later.”

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? Once. I was at a light and this old dude was revving the engine of his Lincoln Continental and staring at me… thought he wanted to race. Turns out, he just farted.

38. From whom did you get your last email? Shirley… she says she can make my pee pee bigger by moving fat from my body to the aforementioned pee pee.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The Bunny Ranch… that’s a store, right? Oh, wait, nevermind. My wife would just void the card.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? I got on an elevator at work… and faced everyone that was facing the door.

41. Like your job? Which one? I’m like a Haitian dude.

42. Broccoli? Not into fashion.

45. What are you listening to right now? Ron and Fez on XM/Sirius.

46. What is your favorite color? Brown, and not for the gross and juvenile reason you might think. I like brown because it reminds me of doody.

47. How many tattoos do you have? One, which is really two, but I’ll say one to make it easier.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? I don’t know… that’s not under my control!!!

49. What time did you finish this quiz? I don’t believe in clocks, I believe in sundials and it’s cloudy right now, so I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

50. Coffee drinker? Not really since January of this year… trying to cut my caffeine. So I replaced it with Red Bull.