Talk Stupid

How I feel about Corey Haim’s death and it ain’t good

// March 10th, 2010 // DVs Observations

First off, death always sucks unless a person is suffering ridiculous pain from sickness or physical wounds. Or is an asshole. I don’t think anyone will care if an asshole dies except the most zealous of anal practicioners, and even then, love is dirty and fleeting.

Second, I am definitely an 80s kid – Breakfast Club, rubber bracelets, Alyssa Milano, breakdancing, A-Team, Hanna Barbera cartoons, and Seka were just some of the things all up in the motherfucker known as my adolescence. That said, I was an involuntary witness to the Two Coreys phenomenon – Corey Feldman and Corey Haim running rampant in Hollywood and in little girls’ hearts.

And it was annoying as shit.

Did I and do I contnue to hate on them? I definitely did because looking at my little sister’s teen mags, the Coreys were ruining the good panoche of my future wife, the aforementioned Milano. Back then in eighth grade, I was sure they were tagging it. Man, I really hated those guys. Eventually, I felt bad for them because they were becoming jokes to me, even at their peak.

Do I hate them now? Of course not… I’m alive. And while my formative years were misspent searching for porn, hitting on chicks way out of my league, searching for porn, sports, and searching for porn… at least I was able to do these things and have fun being a stupid kid. We’ve come to learn that being a child star ain’t easy and is full of sin and wasted life. Don’t get me wrong. If someone told me as a teenager I could be a star and get all the tang I wanted, I’d be all up in it. And I’d make for damn sure the only thing busting my anal cavity was the crap made from all the filet mignon and Snickers bars I’d be eating.

That said, be careful, fat kid from Two and a Half Men. Just saying, save all your money because once that show is over, so is your career. I’m calling you the next Haley Joel Osment. And Dakota Fanning, you’re getting a little suspect right now.

But, back to Haim. It’s definitely a sad ending for him and beneath my cold and hard exterior, I do feel bad for him and his loves ones. But, c’mon already from everyone else that is deeply saddened by his death! You either didn’t personally know his ass or you didn’t care for it and are only acting out of some sense of nostalgia. Corey Haim was not a game-changer in the world of entertainment the way someone like, say, Michael Jackson was. I mean MJ had everyone busting their ass and spraining their ankles doing moonwalks. While I didn’t cry or go to a candlelight vigil, I can understand why people were sincerely deeply affected by that alleged kid toucher’s death.

Haim didn’t have that mass appeal. In fact, if it wasn’t for his appearance in The Lost Boys, only chicks would have dug him and his movies. I’ll admit he will always have a place in pop culture, but he won’t be the first person someone thinks of when 1980s cinema is mentioned. In fact, he probably wouldn’t be in the top ten as much as he dominated with those goofy teen movies.

Later on, after he became a has-been in Hollywood, we learned he was sexually abused during his high time and that sucks balls. Hmm… maybe I should have used different words… Anyway, like I said, I feel bad, but I don’t feel sad. What the hell did Corey Haim do for me? I mean, honestly, the only reason I watched License To Drive was because Heather Graham was hot as hell… shit, I’m old.

Anyway, the most important thing to me is knowing who the people are that I honestly care about and those that care back about me. Too bad Haim thought his life was all about pleasing others and didn’t know who was really there for him. Props to Corey Feldman for figuring it out. Unlike others I know that are pouring out with emotion over Haim’s death, I’m good, thanks.